Rant on Choices, Desire, and Masochism - 12-01-13
There are no right choices. Just qualified and unqualified ones. Instinctive or thought out. Sometimes we do things thinking they’re the wrong choice, but I honestly think it’s impossible to make an unqualified decision. It’s qualified in some way. You just don’t accept that qualification, or don’t find it morally pleasing. Desire exists for a reason though, right? Should it be suppressed? Or should we give in? At what point should one say enough is enough, I refuse to give into these desires. When they slave my mind and keep me from achieving my academic or work goals? Aren’t desires motivated by goals we hope to achieve though? So giving in to them would accomplish SOMETHING, right? Then again perhaps we’re just sick humans that don’t know what we want. We sometimes desire things that hurt us. Masochistic creatures. We find pleasure in ruining ourselves and getting wasted, in intentionally being morally loose. Do we blame society for that? Or do we blame ourselves? After all, there is no society without us.
November 21, 2013 at 10:13am
Rant on Loving Yourself, Life Sucking, and People - 11/21/13
I think we’re all capable of controlling our emotions. It takes effort and a lot of mental strength, but the mind is like a muscle. If you spend enough time working at making up your mind about things and holding true to yourself, then you will get better at it. If you tell yourself day in and day out that you are beautiful, then you will begin to believe it. Anyone who says otherwise will appear wrong to you. That’s the way it should be anyways. You should be able to look in the mirror and say, “Yes, I’ve got a crooked nose, perhaps people will always comment on those permanent scars on my face for the rest of my life, maybe my ears are large and stick out a lot, maybe my cheeks are a little puffy; but you know what, this is me. I am going to be me my whole life, regardless of all the makeup I put on, all the body parts I try to hide. I will still have to live with myself. I’ll know who I am on the inside. If I can’t learn to love this view, I can’t possibly hope to love anyone else.”
It’s true what they say, you can’t love anyone else without loving yourself first. Part of loving someone else is feeling loved yourself; and if you’re feeling loved but don’t see why, then you’re not really feeling it at all. You’re just accepting something you don’t understand. You feel all the attention but you don’t see what they giver of that attention has truly fallen in love with. If you never acknowledge the fact that you are indeed a good singer, then when someone else says you have a beautiful voice, or that they love you when you sing; you won’t be able to accept it. Not entirely anyways. If you are able to look at yourself and say, “I am a decent writer, maybe a even a good one,” then when someone says they love your short stories, or the rants you write, then you will truly feel loved. You realize that someone else has noticed what you wish people would notice about you. You fall in love with the other person, and with yourself again.
Life sucks at heart. The reason for me saying this is because life is out of our control, it just sorta does it’s own thing and we just have to hang on to it’s coattails as it rushes by. It’ll suddenly stop and make U-turns and it’ll try to throw you off, it’ll do whatever it damn well pleases. That is why life sucks at heart, because you’re just holding on for dear life. If you take a break to let go, then its over. Life sucks at heart. People will always be a mystery to you because no matter how well you think you can understand others, they have lived an entire lifetime before meeting you and they have experienced many heart breaks and many fights and struggles before meeting you. They will make decisions that are right for them and say things they don’t mean and be themselves. People will come and go and people will just be there all the time; and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about people, is that they are wrong. Some are right, but even when they’re right, they’re wrong. The only people who are ever right are those who love you, and those aren’t people. Those who love you are a part of you. People are strange inexplicable entities that drop by and drop out of your life with as little consequence in your life’s direction as an ant that crossed your path as you walked somewhere. Yet they will say things. They will ALWAYS say things. They will see your beauty and wish they had it. They will comment, foolishly, not knowing what you’ve been through; and think that they know what you’re all about. People will say, “Why do you have scars on your face?”, “You look like an elephant with those ears.” “Are you jewish because of that massive nose?”
So are they being mean? Is that it? Are people in general just assholes? I don’t think so. I don’t think people ARE anything. I think people are people, and I think they will continue to be so until they get to know and love you. If they continue to comment things like that, then they truly aren’t a part of you. Parts of you shouldn’t bring you down, they should only tell you when you’re down. Cut those out of your life who bring you down, and keep those who tell you what you need to hear. Watch out for those who are quick to say what you WANT to hear, because they’re not really looking out for you.
Learning to love oneself is a long and arduous journey. Those who were born with looks that society doesn’t deem “handsome” or “pretty” have been forced to learn it faster than others. I know. But a journey of a thousand miles began with one step. You have to try. You HAVE to try. YOU have to try. You have to TRY. Try and try again. Fail, get up and try again. You have to try. Try enough, and eventually you will. It will happen. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be skeptical. Don’t think, just try. What is the harm in trying?
Life only gets progressively lonelier. I mean this in the sense that when you’re in high school and lonely, you’re still going to school, you’ve still got your parents and you’re still surrounded. When you’re lonely in college, you don’t quite have your parents around, but you’ve usually at least got classmates. When you’re working and lonely, then you’ve maybe got your co-workers. Life only gets progressively lonelier. Learning to love yourself is the only thing that will keep you alive when you’re the only person left.
I’ve said this many times before, in other rants, but you have to lie in your own death bed. No one else is going to lie there next to you and tell you you are beautiful and that you lived a wonderful life and that you’re perfect just the way you are. So tell yourself. We’re all dying anyways. We’re all dying anyways, so just try to love yourself.
Mini-Rant on Writing - 11/03/13
Why is it we need sadness to be able to write? Why can’t we be ecstatic and write about our understanding of the world? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when you’re happy all you hear is the music, but when you’re upset you understand the lyrics. When we’re sad, we look for reason and order; usually when we’re sad, we feel like the worlds gone haywire. That suddenly, all the forces of the universe have united against us. We suddenly feel at odds with the motivation to live and that inspires fear which makes us grasp at some simple explanation of it all. We put our faith into 26 letters of the English alphabet. Somehow, we think, a combination of these letters in some order will explain this wildly complicated tormenting demon within us. Somehow, we think, 26 letters will save us from wanting to end it all. It’s all just waiting for THAT permutation that will explain everything magically for you. That will take your muddled thoughts and say, “Here, I’ve figured it for you. Here’s the answer.”
We write because we’re scared. We write because we’re lost and we want some comfort in 26 letters.
November 2, 2013 at 2:53pm
Mini-Rant on The Language of Love - 11/2/13
That’s the frustrating thing about love. Those romantics who claim to speak the language of love don’t seem to realize there are different dialects and accents. Every dialect sounds similar and have those aspects that reminds you of the dialect you know so well, and you are expressing the same human emotion through any dialect you choose. The frustrating part is, despite how much you heart yearns for someone else, if you cannot speak the same dialect, and truly communicate this emotion the way you want to, it feels like you can’t love, or that you can’t be loved. Just remember, there is someone out there with as unique a dialect as yours, waiting for someone to understand the words they keep telling people.
October 29, 2013 at 2:01pm
Rant on Loving Oneself, Eternal Arranged Marriage, and Being Ok - 10/29/13
What does it take for us to be able to love ourselves? Loving yourself is among the most important things anyone can do in life, and is as important, if not more important, as being kind to others. I would almost rather be a complete and total asshole to everyone around me, but be completely comfortable in my skin, than be kind to those around me yet be completely unsatisfied with my own existence. Being unsatisfied with ones body and with ones thoughts is essentially a perfect formula for suicidal tendencies and depression.
Think of this like an arranged marriage at birth, in a world without divorce, in which your spouse is a static, unchanging person. No matter how hard you try to dress up this spouse, how you try to change their behavior, they remain the exact true form they have always been. Its all a matter of compromise and understanding. Seeing what parts of yourself cannot be changed, and living with your innate personality and body. Its looking in the mirror and saying that you can, and WILL love that person. That you don’t have any other choice even if you wanted one.
Look in the mirror and say that you’re ok. That someone loves you and thats a sign that you, as a whole, everything about you, is ok. Actually look in the mirror, past the lenses in front of your eyes that distort your vision. Past the cookie cutter shapes that society places before you, and say that this shape, this person, this physical embodiment of atoms trying to hold itself together and experience this thing called life, is OK.
Think to yourself often, and accept your thoughts. Be ok with the person your soul aspires to be, and walk with your head up because acceptance into society is nothing. Because it is only worth being accepted and loved by those who don’t ask you to be ANYTHING but yourself.
If someone tells you that they wish you were something you were not, that in some way or another, what you are is inadequate, you walk away. Walk away and say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Mini-Rant on Death, Obscene Last Words, and Metaphors - 10/28/13
All that you’ve got to do is live. Do what you want in your life and succeed at what you choose to, just don’t get too caught up in it. Imagine if you were to step out your front door and a terrible accident were to occur causing you to meet your unexpected and sudden death. For the sake of this argument, lets say that when you die, your ability to perceive anything in the physical universe is gone. You are left either on a spiritual plane of existence or you are nothingness and your consciousness ceases to exist. What matters then? In the very last breath that you take, what will you choose to think about? Will it even matter what you think about in that last breath? What if you choose to just spurt some terrible obscenity before you die, leaving everyone around you to scorn you for being indecent during your death. Does it matter? Assuming we have no way of perceiving our difference in the world once we’ve left it, does it make a difference, making difference? Or should we all live selfishly since our existence alone is the only one we experience, and for that reason we should focus on making our own existence as happy and wonderful as possible?
Think of this like a linear video game, one with an ending and a closing credits. You beat the game, and then the credits roll, you take out the disc, put it in the case, shelve the case and never play it again. That’s what I imagine death being like. Its over, you won, the end. The romantic in me believes that every now and then someone decides to give you another go, and still ends up doing the same mistakes and living the same story over again. But being dead is like being a book that hasn’t been opened for years. Your existence is, was, there, but you just aren’t being read at the moment. You’re just sitting there collecting dust until someone decides to open you up again.
Rant on Beauty, Loneliness, and Spiritual Connections - 17/10/13
The worst thing about finding something beautiful, is trying to find someone else who agrees with you. There is almost a sense of a wasted sunset when you witness it by yourself, as though part of the beauty of a beautiful scene is sharing it with someone. It is the easiest way to feel alone, when you find beauty in something no one else seems to find beautiful, and I think that is what drives people together more than interests and personality. It is all about what we find beautiful.
As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that couldn’t be truer. Things are so subjectively beautiful because no one has been brought up the exact same way as someone else. No one has lived through life the same way anyone else has; thereby there are things that intrigue you and mystify you like nothing else, that others find commonplace or boring. We as humans find beauty in things like abstract art, sunsets, green grass, and early morning fogs hanging over a cool river, because they invoke a primal feeling of being alive. That is what appreciating beauty is like. Looking at something, and feeling your metaphysical heart swell as you realize there is something worth living for, that there is something MORE than just the physical, rote, day to day existence we lead.
So why is it that observing such beauty alone is frustrating? Why can’t we look at beauty, appreciate it, and find happiness from it? My answer to this stems from a long held belief that I have, that all people are at heart, lonely; and that the greatest desire in life for anyone (including introverts of all degrees) is to be accepted and loved. The extent to which someone wants to be accepted and loved varies from person to person, but the general desire is undoubtably there. (I also feel it is worth mentioning that this argument applies to the privileged people in 1st world countries, whereas the greatest desire for people in any other country is either to get enough money to survive, or to just survive and live.) To feel like one is accepted, sharing values and virtues with someone is important; but sharing a common view of beauty is paramount. Being able to look at a work of beauty and share that experience with someone, is a connection on a (and I normally don’t say this, being a very scientifically minded man) spiritual level. It can only be described as such because you don’t even notice it, it happens subconsciously, yet it has an enormous impact on you emotionally. Finding someone else who shares a passion with you is fun indeed, but if you find that you share a common perspective of what is beautiful, then you have found someone who has a very similar deep mental processes like you. You have found someone who’s subconscious is in sync with yours (thus the reference to a spiritual connection).
I can never understand when I find a person so uncompromisingly beautiful, and the only person who doesn’t share this perspective with me is that person themselves. I will make it my goal to make them see what I see.
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October 15, 2013 at 10:16am
Rant on Being Smart, Being Dumb, And Being In Control Of Your Life - 15/10/13
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t “smart”. Everyone seems to just look at my grades and smartness and assume what I’m going to do with my life. They assume that I’m going to go work for a big company and I’m going to earn tons of money. Somehow anything and everything shy of that is a waste of my potential. Somehow making a difference in the world and living a self fulfilling life isn’t up to par with earning money and being rich. Somehow making a living and being alive are now two separate terms. Obviously having money is a source of security, and it is important to be able to live comfortably and not scrounge for basic necessities all your life, but being smart and intelligent by societies standards doesn’t make you innately intelligent, or make you feel intelligent. Just because society deems you smart, doesn’t mean you must go to an Ivy League university and double major in the hardest studies. The best use of intelligence should be determined by you and you alone because you are the one living your life. The second you let someone else tell you what your intelligence is worth, or what you should do with that intelligence, you cease to have a self defined purpose in life. The moment you find yourself looking at your life and wondering what you’re doing where you are and why, you cease to be in control of your own life, and that’s a scary place to be. Society might think you’re dumb because on one scale of intelligence you don’t quite match up. That doesn’t determine the lifestyle you’re going to lead, the amount of money you’re gonna make or who you’re gonna be. Being smart or dumb is not something that should be, or can be determined by anyone other than you. Your future is not something that can be, or should be determined by anyone but you.
Live your own life, because that’s the only thing that is truly your own in this world.
Rant on Life, Balance, and The Middle - 07/10/13
I don’t see why people have this desire to make life so complicated for themselves. It is really quite simple when it comes down to it. Life is about a series of events. It is a continuous experience. It is a journey. There is no good or bad, nothing happy or sad. Everything just happens. You decide what is good or bad, happy or sad. You decide when the direction your life is headed has gone off course. Its just as simple as that.
That doesn’t mean of course, that everything can be happy and good all the time if you convince yourself of that. The only way you could achieve that is through not caring about anything. Hurting, feeling sad and having bad experiences remind us that we are human. They remind us that we have things in our lives that we care about and if we were never sad about anything, how could we ever care about something? By caring, you put yourself in a situation where you are almost begging to be hurt, and be sad, at one point or the other. So its not bad to feel sad. It obviously isn’t good either. It just is. You have to learn to not worry about what is good and bad in life, and learn to just KNOW what is good and bad and be ok with that. That has been the easiest way for me to achieve true happiness so far.
Having said that last statement, that means that I am saying that true happiness inherently needs sadness. Yes. That is exactly what I am saying. I cannot have happiness without sadness, and I cannot have sadness without happiness. The world has an order of positives and negatives, even at the atomic level. Try and deny that order in the macroscopic level and you will be unbalanced and unnaturally un-emotive. Try and convince yourself to be happy all the time and I assure you you will fall into a depression because you will find yourself unable to care about anything. Live life to experience every emotion out there because balance is key.
The world has good and evil, and both have their time. You cannot have only good because eventually the only good there is will have to turn evil to counter all that goodness. There cannot be only evil in the world because eventually the good will rise to counter it. The battle must always be waged otherwise what is the purpose of our existence? Imagine a story with no antagonist, no opposing force. Imagine a video game with no battle or mental struggle. What would be the point of reading that story, or playing that video game? Imagine a life without any friction, or any conflict. Similarly, what would be the point of living that life? What would you learn and what would you desire? If you could achieve everything you ever wanted with the snap of the finger, would you do it? Would you forgo the journey and arrive at the destination? Why else do we read stories and watch movies? We all know Romeo and Juliet die in the end yet we watch it happen over and over again through the course of the film like a bunch of depressed emotional masochists. Most of the time we can assume the ending of a story from the very beginning yet we still pay attention to the middle because that is where we learn things and that is where we discover things. That is where we live.
We are always in the middle of a book. As long as we are fighting to live, we are in the middle of a book. As long as we labor against death, keeping it at bay, we are in the middle of a book. We are living. That is life.
Rant on Intelligence, Rebelling, And Hormonal Imbalances - 04/10/13
Intelligence is something that cannot be quantified. They teach you so much useless shit in schools these days but no one ever tells you that. They all tell you that grades, a number representing how well you can achieve a certain task a certain way, determine how successful you will be for the rest of your life. They say that it will determine your overall happiness and that you can’t get anywhere without good grades and without going to a good college; but no one ever asks you what success means to YOU. No one ever seems to give a shit. They just award you for being ‘smart’ and then say that you’re gonna do great things; but no one ever asks what is defined by ‘great things’. Great for whom? Me? You? Society?
You can get all the good grades you want in the world but no one will ever know YOU. They’ll know the number of questions you got right on your SAT but not the number of times you fell asleep crying because you feel like the world doesn’t give a shit about you. They’ll count the number of APs you’ve taken and gawk at the grades you got in them but they’ll hear the number of times you complain about being stressed and tell you that you’re smart and that you can deal with it.
Somehow, despite all the praise you might receive for the great grades you’ve gotten and the wonderful work you’ve done, society will still label you as a nerd, and as a loser for spending all your time around books and homework. You’re still not as good as someone else because you’re a virgin, or because you don’t go out and party, or because you enjoy spending time with your parents. No matter what you do, you never feel like you’re doing it right.
You can go out and be social, enjoy a life of teenage carelessness and be called a failure and a deviant by the elders. You can choose to stay at home and study and go to a good college and be called a nerd and an anti-social introvert by younger society. The world will always try and make you feel uncomfortable about who you are and the choices you make. Somehow, in the end, none of it ends up mattering.
In the end, and I mean the VERY end, no ones happiness but your own matters; and no one but you can decide if you’re happy. You can spend your whole life trying to understand what it takes to be accepted, to be liked by those whom you respect, but in the end their opinion of you will never change you. The sad thing about human nature is that there are some intrinsic values that can never be changed within a person. No matter what you do there are some people who will never be able to accept you for who you are, and you have the choice to let that bother you or not. Sometimes, everyone you know might disagree with who you are and the choices you make. What you choose to do then will define you and the friends you make for the rest of your life; but whether you choose to stick by your own morals and decisions or change based on popular opinion, always be sure it is your decision. Have your own reasons for why you choose to be you and you cannot be unhappy.
Maintaining a strong mental constitution can be hard when you’re up against so much opposition, but being able to stick to your own beliefs and still see when you might be wrong is a balance worth fighting for.
I’m not sure where exactly this rant went but the basic idea that caused me some despair is the widespread misconception of what it means to be smart, what it means to be successful. Why can’t we just understand that intelligence isn’t determined by numbers? That in the end, intelligence doesn’t even matter? That your own perception of yourself is the most important perspective there is because no one has to live with you like you have to live with yourself?
There is an awkward disconnect between the school system and social norms. The values that schools try to ingrain in the youth these days goes against the rebellious nature of teenagers. Instead of teaching the youth about safe sex and responsible drinking, the REAL dangers of life, they shy away from the subject and instead choose to condemn any act of defiance. You take one health class for one semester, if at all, throughout a four year career in high school. Many kids learn what teenage pregnancy is like through experience, not through a teacher telling them what that kind of life is like.
The way that the whole subject matter of being a teenager is presented to teenagers is wrong. We’re told we’re wrong and we should just blindly follow what the teachers say and what our parents say. They all expect us to act like adults but then they treat us like we’re immature and too young to understand why we should avoid certain decisions.
The sad thing about all of this is that its nothing new. The generation gap has always existed and there has always been a need for rebellion amongst teenagers and there has never been a solution to it, if there needs to be one. Every piece of classic literature, depicts children as being mischievous and rebellious and the parents as trying to control them. Teenagers have always felt like they’re misunderstood. Always. Are we? If this is something that has existed for such a long time, can we really be so misunderstood? Or is this all just a byproduct of emotional turmoil caused by hormonal imbalances? Wouldn’t that be depressing. Your body is just fucked up thats why you’re like this it’ll pass. I mean it seems logical that is whats going on. You don’t see adults running around desperately seeking attention and feeling scared lost and worrying about the future. Then again I’m technically an adult. So are many of my friends.
Idk. This has been a rant.
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